The Blair Chronicles archives May 2006

There are giver's and taker's in this world. The taker's eat well at night the giver's sleep well at night.

Not to many people are going to be able to answer any questions about when or how Martins sleep... or, even if they do?

I have attached a pic of a martin sleeping in the nest box. He and the female exchange time looking out of the box. The female spends lots more time out of the box while he remains somewhat restless inside the nest box most of the time. I watched them for about fifteen minutes doing this and it tapered off to where he was just hanging out inside. He then started to dose and then he turned his head back to rest on his back. I have seen this before only the head was completely tucked under the wing, at least that's what it looked like. Until today I could not get a good pic because of the lack of light.

So, to catch some solid winks they do one of the two or a variation- behind the back, under the wing or partial nose dive in the shoulder feathers? And like humans they seem to nap at times during the day and keep much more still at night. I also see they are now very busy all of a sudden with the start of nest building which means they are paired up. I have watched the pairing activity over the last several days and have never been able to say that I recognized the "specific" activity until now. Pretty cool what a cam or two will do for education.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary........

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

What ever it is that you're looking for or wondering about, you'll probably be better off reading it somewhere else. Although "The Blair Chronicles" expresses what we all know, and what can/does happen daily, there is little here to grasp other than raw unfettered brain activity. It's like the advertisement "this is your brain on drugs" only this is "Jeff on life". Let me step out of the box and quote myself (I know, a rare form of self absorption but...), "He goes where no man should, trying to do the impossible and getting it done, yes, he succeeds at not making anything work. A man of extraordinary God given talent who knows not in the slightest sense, a good way to apply himself or the talent." Truly an example of "ig'nerts being bliss". [more...]